today i thought something and said something and read something and wondered something and regretted something and i'm almost sure that i'll look back and think badly of myself, maybe, someday feeling as though i know what's going on and feeling as though i can see, really truly see instead of just this, but maybe i won't. maybe i never will. today was grey, the kind of grey you think about when the clouds are sloppy or when you're alone but aren't lonely. or maybe you are.

god grant me patience.

you are the smell before rain,
you are the blood in my veins.

an explosion is what i'm hoping for,
fire and collision and air and noise.
young, undone, your sweet little whitewashed mind.
transparent like saran wrap.
unpredictable like your tempered volcano heart.

and oh, when you erupt.

ka boom.


i could build a balloon and fill it with all this hot air and float about in this sea of clouds.
tossed by this fitful wind.
far away.

its a filmstrip morning. i walk through the icy confetti falling from the clouds, melting, sticking. it feels like a birthday party, a surprise party. congratulations should be in store. i congratulate myself, there being no one else around.

'way to make it through this year. way to be somewhat functional. way to make yourself breakfast and dress yourself. good job not breaking everything you came in contact with.'

but i don't really mean it. because today's not a party. it's not a surprise. it's exactly what i think it will be, a day with video clips from our friendship playing endlessly through my mind, complete with a soundtrack. a very nice soundtrack.
you would've loved it.
and it looked the same outside at eight as it did at noon as it does now.
grey grey grey grey.



congratulations.

i am so sorry.