ready for take off

c'est l'élévation
c'est exhileration
les trois étoiles me regardant attentivement en bas
inondez le ciel avec la brillance
c'est le romance
c'est la guerre

green means go

this was long overdue. time to get out of your comfort zone. time to learn to love people. time feel something. anything. this is one of those perfect adventures that come along right when need them to.

huge, ominous clouds all day today. one of those glorious days where the sun shines right on through anyway. as predicted, lightning. and snow. it gave me chills to watch...

imperial

is there no peace?
is there no decency?
keep on serenading my thoughts with your slander
and take this as a glimpse of what's to come
shatter this
destroy this
act like you don't even know me

do whatever you want
because honestly, i don't care anymore

quotable

dear patty:
my favorite part about brit lit today was definetly when you read us your gerund phrase story. "my mom has raised me since birth. she makes me breakfast every morning, everyday." oh. and that part when mrs. hobbs was trying to think of a sentence with jog in it and we were both like "JOG YOUR FACE OFF!" why does no one else appreciate our unique senses of humor?

evening

the wind is screaming outside my window. past trees and buildings and people and streetlights. and even though i'm safe inside i can feel it pass right through me. and right now i want nothing more than to run outside and feel it rush through my hair. so i'm going to

ambivalent

i hate making decisions. i'm so awful at it and inevitably i make the wrong one. that's why one of my favorite responses to anything is "i don't care". i do care. but now the pressure is on you and not me. how underhanded does that make me seem?


remember that game we used to play in elementary school with the parachute? i think it was called shark attack. that was the best game ever invented.


oh, you know what else about decision making? i'm also a control freak. figure that one out. i want constant control over everything, but i don't want it to seem that way? i have no idea... i'm such a messed up kid.


wanna know one of the coolest things ever? the aurora borealis. i had a dream about it last night. only it was in my backyard. yeah, i bet you're jealous now

mmmmm.... i'm hungry.

you might as well be standing still

when you're in the middle of something, it makes you feel as if you are going nowhere. today, i had the oppurtunity to take a step back and really see how far God has taken me, and it was astounding. why is it then that i feel like i'm still standing at the starting line? everyone else left a couple hours ago, abby. you better get going. i'm tired of being on the treadmill. i want to run on the pavement and feel something real beneath my feet and breath something real into my lungs.

the sky was startlingly blue today. and completely cloudless. why is it that stillness always invokes chaos in my mind? i predict a lightning storm.

fantasy land

how disconnected am i? how distant am i? how distracted am i? a whole lot, that's how much.

you remember when you were a kid and you would spend hours pretending all kinds of stuff? you would put on costumes and draw moustaches on your friends' faces in permenant marker and use your moms high heels and put lipstick everwhere on your face except your lips. i loved playing make believe, and it seems that i never grew out of it. my 'close' friend's might as well be nothing but aquaintances. they don't even know me. because i don't let them.

you know what i wish? i wish that i had someone who i could tell absolutely everything and who would let me burst out in tears and would go to the park and swing on the swings with me and take me out to coffee and fly kites and look at the clouds and watch chick flicks and visit hali and talk about God and knew my heart inside and out. so much for not pretending....

me and brittany got lost downtown and almost got car jacked. it was super sketch

second floor

i sat in the empty building in the dark in a strange town. i sat on the stairsteps and swung my legs. i don't think there's any feeling like being completely and utterly alone, especially when its in an unfamiliar place. the glass panels that surrounded me projected my reflection from every angle. and i sat and watched my legs swing. everyones gone. i'm the only thing that's left. but i'm not frightened. "look up little girl. you will see that there is wonder all around you."

complacency

it seems that everything i make crumbles no matter how much effort i put into it. more often than not its completely my fault. this time, however, i can't seem to figure it out. but don't worry- i'll still love you. as long as you're happy, dear.

hmmm. i wonder how many times you have start over to get anything accomplished. i am the record holder in the 2 inch olympics. they call me the champion of mediocrity.

thursdays

i ran outside without my umbrella
the thunder laughed at me
i turned my face skyward and laughed right back
and twirled in the rain
we are the very best of friends

sidenote

you know, seemingly little things can turn out to be so much bigger than you could ever imagine. this weekend i traveled to a far away place and came back with a fresh outlook on life. not entirely because of the speaker. not entirely because of the worship. not entirely because i really needed to get away. just the simple stuff:
watching the sun wake up.
cool conversations with people i love dearly.
bonding with kids i have nothing in common with.
witnessing God work at his best. it was amazing to watch. truly amazing.

observe

people are so cool. honestly. today, i was in a tight spot and this kid i don't even know totally saved my butt. thanks, isaac. i owe you one

all of my qualities
are now the former

pause

stop.
stop.
don't think that.
don't say that.
don't feel that.
have some composure for once.
be selfless for once.
it's nice to experience something brand new.

ethereal

kendra turns 21 on thursday, but we had a celebration for her today. never in my life have i seen 12 girls go through so much pizza in so little time. little bit entertaining to watch, not gonna lie. witnessing these gorgeous young women lose all composure when our waitress brought out the pineapple and canadian bacon was just about all i could handle. it's just pizza, right? i've never really liked pizza.

anticipation plays such a huge role in life- it's half the fun just to think about it. like when you're really hot and you say "you know what sounds good right now? jamba juice." and everyone arounds makes longing noises and agrees that right now, there is nothing on God's green earth that they would like more. but if you actually get one, its good for a while and then its gone. along with the excitement.

life on earth is just anticipation of something else: something beautiful, something fulfilling, something perfect. only this time, the satisfaction isn't temporary. the excitement never fades. jesus is the ultimate adrenaline rush.

head in the clouds

when did it become ok for me not to think for myself?
when did it become ok for me not to love my friends with everything i have no matter how they treat me?
that's right. not ever.

oh yeah

found out today that i got accepted to go to peru for missions this summer with kayanne and sophie and matt and brittany and eric. and i got a red balloon. can you think of anything better? i couldn't either...

valediction

the hands creep lazily around the numbered face
time is practically standing still
anticipation always makes bad things just a little bit worse

dear

she was a fighter
she was a winner
her favorite color was pink
she loved tennis
she played catch phrase
she sang in the choir
she made up songs under the stars
she bought underwear from thriftstores because she thought it was funny
she made her own icecream
she listened to natalie grant
she went to california to see audio adrenaline
she was brave
she was genuine
she liked disney land
she made impressions on everyone she met
she liked popcorn
she was an actress
she loved my fair lady
she was determined
she was gorgeous
she talked about god
she was my friend
and i miss so much that i think my heart might just stop
when i think about her
i've never cried so much in one day
i've never felt so cheated
i've never been angrier
i've never wanted to throw up in church before today
i've never hugged so many strangers
i've never wanted to scream so bad
i've never felt so mute
i've never seen anything so beautiful
i've never seen anything so disturbing
i've never wanted to flip off a pastor so badly before
i've never realized how much i take everyone around me for granted
and i've never regreted it so much

the pink balloons floating away were the prettiest things i've ever seen. what an amazingly beautiful day.

hali ashlan theander
july 30 1992- january 3 2008

blank

snow again. so incredible. sitting in chemistry, watching the flakes flutter to the ground and dreaming of another place. mrs. macgregors' english accent is perfect background music. that woman makes empirical formulas sound like lullabies.

am i doing something worthwhile? illuminated by ideas; its a shame i can't put them into words...

if i were an ostrich, this all would be WAY easier

wow. wow abby. how're you gonna get out of this one? excuse me, but if you don't mind me cutting in.
today, i learned something brand new. and i love it like a child.
something's happening the day after tomorrow that i'm not really looking forward to. you know, things would be a lot less complex if you could just decide who the heck you wanted to be. i'll get right on that. thanks, that'd be great. also, make up your mind, people!

hmm. today was pretty good. except that one part

mute

i'll find a way to speak the words i want to say
and then my thought balloon will float away

flat tires

today i road my brothers bicycle to chester portsmith and layed on my back and watched my kite flirt with the clouds with cigarettes and chocolate milk playing in my ears. rufus, melt my heart. it was a good day.

planitarium

i can't go to sleep tonight. but that's never really been a bad thing for me. i like to lie in the dark and stare at the glowing plastic stars me and my sister glued to the ceiling when i was in kindergarten. i miss her. i am awful at drawing stars.

quiet drive

i am legend is officially the worst movie EVER. granted, i only saw about half of it- the rest i was cowering under my seat with about 3 quarts of old popcorn as my only comforter. i was so afraid for will smith through the entire thing, and in the end he dies anyway (sorry if i ruined that for you). i couldn't even enjoy the nice parts because i was too paranoid. thinking about it later, i realized that is exactly how i choose to live:
terrified of the unknown and what might happen, i miss what's going on right now. it reminds me of being on a roadtrip where instead of always going full speed, you have to pull over once in a while to just take everything in and stare.

for: hali

it is moments like this
that i use as a reminder of my frailty
how this world is utter chaos
and how too often i forget how powerless i truly am