carpeted stairs vs. me:

2 - 0

the sky looked beautiful tonight so i went for a walk to get a better look. skeletons of trees were outlined in the air and i created little clouds with my breath every time i exhaled. and i walked until i couldn't feel my fingers or my toes anymore, then i turned around and walked back. and the ice cracked quietly beneath my feet every time i stepped. and the air smelled like fire and now so do i.

for the days you don't feel stormy
we can keep wishing on dandelions and lions. and lions and lions.
all in my head,
all in my head.

cloud cloud, rainbow, brainbow.

you have a new sweater.
and i have a headache.

and i want nothing more than to lift off this heavy ground.

snow. snow. snow.
the world is lovely and wonderful and full of surprises now.
always, i suppose.
but now more than ever. the only problem is i think during the winter more than normal. more than is healthy, probably. i have to interupt myself and read or go somewhere during my thinking phases because if i leave my mind to itself too long, goodness knows the places it will go.

especially at this time of year.

this afternoon i drove to king soopers and sat in the parking lot in my car for 45 minutes and then turned around and drove home. i don't know why. there must be something wrong with me. i think i kinda just wanted to find someone i knew there and pretend like it was a coincidence. but instead i just watched all the people rushing in and rushing back out, yelling at their kids and screeching their brakes. and i wondered how many of them wanted to be there and how many more of them were happy. i don't know. my mind has been wandering all over the place lately.

you sit there and drink your water and think about the future.
and i'll sit here and count in zeroes and ones in my head.
0101001 1001 10101 101001 1100 1100 1001001 100101001.

i had a dream about a slug. he followed me everywhere and left a pearly trail behind him and we slid along, being careful to avoid pointy looking rocks and pointy looking people and salty spots. and i bought him an ice cream.

the world drew itself up around me today, following my lead. as if i knew where i was going. i would step and there it would be, and when i left there it would go, blooming in front of my cautious feet, tracing and outlining shapes, people, faces, faces. and i turned around and there was nothing, nothing, nothing there.

and someday i'll come upon a kinder world where people like you and me, they are genuinely happy. but i guess we'll just have to learn how to hold our breath until then...

she had walked for miles and miles
until she came upon the waterless sea
just the shadow of water
the memory of water
remained
washing over her
lying
with arms outstretched
on the ocean’s cracked floor.
and she could feel it coming,
this tidal wave
she closed her eyes
and took in its hungry roar
as it swallowed the world
up around her,
and she stuck out her tongue
to taste the salt on her dry sunburnt lips
as it loomed,
nearer and nearer it came,
higher and higher it grew
until it fell right down upon her
came down around her,
washed over her
every thought
every fear
everything
and she
let
herself
drown,
she let it in
willingly
in her imaginary sea.
and when she finally opened
her slow tired eyes,
she swore she could
still hear
the tide.

mmm. i love learning new things. it's so much fun.
and now i can play the weepies on guitar. and they were running through my mind all night last night and the sky was just beautiful and the stars were too. it reminded me of something out of a book.

but i do wish you would smile more.
you look so beautiful when you do, you know.

i woke this morning and i was angry. for no reason at all.
then i drove to church and they're all like "oh we don't have church today". and i was angry.
then i came home and my dad said he had a present for me in the backyard. so i went in the backyard. and it was: a pile of leaves! so i jumped in it. yes. best. birthday. present. everrrr.

the fog completely covered the mountains this morning. it's days like this when i can pretend i live by the ocean. so i got up, and to celebrate the rain, went to family thrift. i love that place.
and i bought a purple sweater that is way too big for me but i love it anyway and i walked around the lake in the rain and there was steam rising off the top of it and everyone was really friendly and the sky and the water were the exact same hue.

and maybe when i reach
solid ground
that will be the day
i could stand
on my own two feet

you know, it really is never a good idea to put jalapenos in a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich.
just a general rule.

i always thought i was brave.

and now that i know i'm not, i don't know what to do.

i don't know how to handle fear.

monterey

sea.
faces.
our room without a view.
sand.
rocks.
cable tv and being able to watch tlc.
ships.
fortune tellers.
seagulls.
coffee.
sand dollars.
salt water taffy.
neon sweatshirts.
waves.
overcast skies.
storms.
when we threw our change into the ocean to thank it for such a lovely time.

stuck

i misuse my senses so much that my body has decided to compromise them. i have trouble hearing. i wake up and i can't see. i have a hard time feeling the things i carry in my hands and then i forget they are there and i drop them. and break them. my mind has had a really hard time focusing lately. its foggy. my actions are in slow motion. i see myself move and feel as though i'm watching from someone else's point of view.

i'm a mental paralytic...

what's left to lose? i've done enough. and if i fail, well then i fail but i gave it a shot. and these last three years, i know they've been hard. but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun. even if its alone...

we act like fools

there is something awfully magnetic about water.
even if your sitting on the dock reading a book.
next to the no swimming sign. in a sweatshirt. and jeans. and a hat.
somehow, i ended up in it anyway.
fully clothed.
it was marvelous.

and i spent the rest of the night trying to convince our waitress i was NOT wet...

i woke up several times because i couldn't breathe.
i don't have a cold. i wasn't face down in the pillow.
i would just wake up lying flat on my back gasping for breath.
my air, its wearing thin.

i want to feel something real beneath my feet and breathe something real into my lungs...

this thing i'm doing, its called learning

silly people doing silly things.
like getting slurpees during 6th block and waiting around for strangers. to talk to them. and then they aren't strangers anymore.
like seeing the same person through different lenses or maybe different eyes.
like enjoying physics just because it frustrates everyone so much and sometimes makes you curse on accident. those glorious vectors.
like waiting alone for two and a half hours just to spend time with someone.
like staying up until two to finish homework that actually isn't due until next week.
like going out to lunch and never getting lunch, just talking.
like talking about the smell of rain and trying to figure out how we could get our rooms to smell that way always.
like meeting more people in the last two weeks than you have in the last two years.
like doing something completely crazy and actually have it work out for you...

i can do a lot of things on my own.
but that doesn't mean i don't need your help.

maps

there is a little book store about two blocks away from my house, and it was raining, so i decided to walk over there to look for atlases. and it was gorgeous, because it was raining and i was looking at maps and the lady was like "you can just have those." for free! so i ran home in the rain with two new maps! that i got for free! could today get any better? i don't think so.

i hope everyone is having a nice day. so you can smile with me.

i will build a rocketship out of orange crates.
and i will fly to a star.
and live there always.

with music in my mind and dandelions in my garden.

sudden

all this pressure came on pretty suddenly.
i've always prided myself on how well i handle pressure.
"i work well under pressure"
i say that. enough to make people probably think its true.
but for those of you that know me
really really know me
you are the ones who are aware of what a lie that is.
it's a filthy lie.

maybe if i say it enough, it will be true

day 1

all this means is it will take some getting used to.
this is not a strange place; its a new one.

sir, i miss you something awful...

august

i have a glass bottle filled with rain. and labled with the date. so i won't forget.
i can sing myself to sleep. and dream of strange and marvelous things.

i don't know if you noticed. but its just beautiful.

i really like just listening. there will always be those people who feel uncomfortable with silence and try to fill the gaps, but my favorite is when we just sit and listen. and no one feels uncomfortable. i had a great great night drive the other night with one of my friends. so good. just sit. just look. just listen.

i love sufjan. God bless that man.

magic

i wonder.
what it feels like to grow up.


the flickering streetlight.
the smell of gasoline.
the warm pavement.
the feeling of helplessness.
the feeling of hopelessness.
the feeling of wanting to get away.
the feeling that you can never ever leave...

i can feel it.

it takes hold of my organs, deep in the pit of my stomach it growls.

it clasps, clings to my heart and lungs, squeezing tighter and tighter as the days go on.

it takes my breath away.

intertwined with my veins, synonomous with my bones,

curling,

crawling,

caressing.

sometimes, its not so bad. sometimes, i get used to it. like it. even love it.

but there are those days when it wants nothing more

than to suck me dry and spit me out.

the days when i can hear my skeleton

creak

crack

breaking my back.

and i can only imagine how much it must hurt

how it would hurt

if i didn’t keep blacking out.

i know it won’t kill me

but it sure can try

as it widens

and it fattens

on all those delicious lies

i always swallow.

grabs my throat, makes me choke,wraps its arborous arm around my jaw

until i can no longer speak at all.

one day, i imagine,

it must find me no longer useful

that will be the day it will slip

rip

out of my open asophogus

into the smiling sun

and it will know all at once what it has been missing

maybe it will use me like a flower pot

the empty shell it has turned me to.

maybe it will forget all i’ve been to it all this time.

all these years.

but really, it is my fault.


mother always did tell me not to eat those seeds.

or it might grow inside me.

and swallow me right up.

happy birthday

i love you.
we all love you.

i miss you.
we all miss you...



we all break the same way

lenka

i'm just a little girl lost in the moment.

i'm so scared, but i don't show it.

i looked my demons in the eye, laid bare my chest, said
'do your best and destroy me. see, i've been to hell
and back so many times i must admit you kind of bore me...'

light

i fell
very slowly
floating into sleep
beneath
the tree
my skirt spreading
through the autumn leaves
the book
balanced on my knee
i fell into dreaming
of stories
and pictures
and words
in black and white
in vintage light
of evil deeds
and kings.
i curled myself
against the roots
and laid my cheek
against the chill breeze
that whispered terrible things
to me
secrets, it said
but i knew they were lies
even those words
i knew i could never
swallow
that i choked on
every time
of men with lips
and wings
who sailed in yellow ships
in the pale moonlight
and all assortments
of things.

telepathy

sometimes i wonder if i actually speak my thoughts aloud as a sort of running narration to my life. because somehow, everyone always knows what i am thinking...

captive

i run through the waist deep sea of gold and green. if i sit down and look up, i can imagine that i actually smaller than i am. but i have never had trouble feeling awfully small and somewhat powerless anyway. that part comes naturally.

but here i can lie on my back and admire the clouds and feel the wind and forget about every single thing...

flowers

the girl presently came across a narcissist. the narcissist had recently lost something of great value.



"ah," cried the narcissist, eager to have someone else's ears for their own praises to fall upon. "yesterday night, i misplaced something of significance to me" continued the narcissist. "most of those in my position would be weeping, or at the very least, crestfallen. but as you can see, i am not affected. this proves how not worldly i am. i am not materialistic."



the narcissist awaited admiration.



"doesn't that only prove how materialistic you are?" thought the girl, "that everything has no value and therefore it is of no consequence when it is lost?"
"people are indeed very strange."



the girl continued on her way.

i wouldn't call it fear

my dreams wake me up at night. i have always been a vivid dreamer. the dreams that you do not forget the next morning or the next day. dreams of sirens and transparent people and sea monsters and rabbit holes and bullet wounds.
so i lay in my bathtub and memorize the ceiling tiles, one by one.

liar

how many times do i have to say i'm sorry before i really mean it?
how often do i have to tell the truth before you trust me?
cause the lies, they just keep going. and my nose, it just keeps growing.

two weeks

this is good. its good to feel like this.

i am just scared enough to know that this is gonna be amazing. just enough to make the butterflies in my stomach never really settle down. but its good. and i know that we will be used to awesome ways.

peru is awfully far away, though.

love

i love the feeling of having a huge load off your mind. i love the feeling knowing there's something better coming, and its coming soon. i love the feeling of being safe inside when the weather is just dreadful. i love the feeling of being right in the middle of the dreadful weather. especially when its hail and its the end of may and you only have one day of school left at place you have been trying to escape from for years and you are travelling to peru with 25 of your very favorite people in less than a month and everything just seems to fall into place. you know, that one.

my favorite time of year

my poor brain is stuffed full. i'm not sure how much more it can take.
don't worry though. after i spit it all back up on my finals, i'll never remember any of it. ever again. convenient how that works, isn't it?

and yet

so close.
so so close.

the days crawl along.

i am ready for summer. very, very ready.

please

empty me out.

this morning

rain fell into my teacup.
that's probably why it tasted so good.

sunny side up

once upon a time, there was a little girl. she lived in a hole in her garden. the hole was dark and full of dirt, as holes usually are, and though sometimes she was visited by a friendly earthworm, she was not content. she was determined to see what was outside of her earthy prison. with quite a bit of effort, the girl climbed up up and up, until, finally she was out! the sun smiled down on her and she spun around in circles on the grass. she was happy
after a little while, she grew tired and lay down next to the hole, which was in her garden. she heard a small voice coming from the hole. "who can it be?" she thought aloud. "it's me!" said the hole, a little shocked that the girl had failed to come up with this answer on her own. in her curiosity, the girl peered over the side. she could see nothing but darkness. she had always had a soft spot for darkness. it was mysterious and intriguing. the little girl stepped close to the edge and thought "it really was not so bad down there. maybe i could go back, just for a visit." down down she fell, straight from whence she came. she is trying very very hard to get out again. into the sunshine.

can a lightsaber cut through superman? i came across this question today and just about threw up- why have i not wondered this before?!?

i swear i could hear the ocean today. i swear i could

the first

the wind swept around me. the fog closed in. closer. closer. i am far from afraid. today is beautiful

downtown

the snapshot of the day: the toothless shoeshiner who very earnestly tried to convince me to get a shoeshine despite the fact i was wearing flip flops. when he finally decided i wasn't going to let him put black polish on my feet, he started hitting on me."are you from tenessee? cuz you're the only ten i see!" i love people so much.

alright

more and more it seems i completely miss the point. "so, is this what that was all about?" "no, abby, you just don't get it, do you?" i guess not. i must not. i'm learning that there is almost always more joy and satisfaction in the process than in the result. and it's kinda hard to swallow for me. i don't really know why. but despite this, spring is coming along quite nicely.

also: dear laura;
i love you. you are awesome.
i don't really want you to move to arizona.
but i know you will make friends wherever you go.
come back and visit
love, abby

well?

are you ready
are you ready
for the downpour of your life?

hello go- getter

i think the sun has finally decided to stay. it was smiling all day long today. and i ate some jello. or slurped it. but what fun is jello if you can't slurp it? today was perfect.

in the summertime

we looked outside. there was a blizzard. we went outside anyway.
we ran in circles. a lot of circles. we ran up the hill in inch deep mud. we couldn't see. we ran back down. we ran a lot of hills. the coaches stood and watched. they watched us run and they yelled at us. we ran back and forth. we ran up the straightaway and down it. we sang to keep our minds off of it. we sang about the summer time. we ran a lot. we ran around the soccer fields. snow was everywhere. no, not snow. slush. the stuff people put in snow cones. but they're not fooling anyone. that is not real snow.

i wish

it stands to reason: if you put crap into something, you are gonna get crap out. you don't work hard, you get a bad grade. you eat something bad, you get sick. you hang out with people who fill you with lies, and suddenly you are a liar. if only it was easier to preserve ourselves. i feel like we cave and give up our entire belief systems at the slightest suggestion of opposition. if only i weren't so fragile. if only innocence was something you could hang on to.

its a miracle in it of itself that there are any decent people left at all.

...

every thought i think
every word i say
is snatched up by the wind
and floats away
we could drive far from this place
and no one would ever know
saying goodbye to you, my dear
seems like a crime to me
"surely not"
the phrase of the week
it plays in the record of my mind
as evidance of my disbelief
and still i see you in my head
and i do believe you'll never leave
we'll do all those things we said we'd do
but never seemed to get around to

breakfast

huh. i'm getting used to this feeling. you know the one where you don't feel anything. i've been temporarily put in a coma, please call back later. k thanks bye.
for some reason, sitting there doing nothing always reminds me of poached eggs. probably cause they sit there and do nothing. except quiver sometimes if you bump them. i don't want to be a poached egg. i don't particularly like poached eggs.

pants on fire

too bad all those things we said we'd do we never did. too bad we're liars. too bad you don't seem to care.

sticks and stones

la la la la la la i'm not listening la la la la la!

do what you want. please, don't let my being here hinder you. not like it would anyway. you are so selfish. you are so thoughtless. you are. i swear, we could be twins. we'll start a club all to ourselves called the "me" club and never let anyone else in and never talk to each other anyway. that sure does sound fun. you'd best be heading home now. it is way past your bedtime.
take me to the riot. so i can throw eggs at people.

six years old

a conversation i wrote in my journal because i loved it so much. not even involving me.

(at the airport)

man: "shoot, i forgot my razor. now my face is going to get all hairy."

son: "it's okay, daddy. when you die, all your hair falls out anyway."

man: "no, i don't think so. i think your hair keeps growing after you die."

son: ".......well, it will keep your face warm, anyway."

i am a vacuum

i feel like no matter how much is given to me, i am still discontent. i seem to have an insatiable thirst for more of anything, whether its healthy or not, whether its good or not, whether its right or not. i am a black hole. throw as much crap at me as you want, it won't matter. i will eat it. eat it right up. just you watch me.


i am grasping onto
things that are unseen
and the biggest mystery is
that i can't seem to let myself
let go

unjust

you over there
with your ultraviolet eyes
and your picture perfect smile
how is it that life picks on you so
when it knows perfectly well how in love with it
you are?

see?

i learn things in many places. i never fail to underestimate their significance, and they never fail to surprise me.

chapter one: this week, as it is spring break, my aunt and cousin came out from virginia to stay with us. it had been at least 5 years since i had seen them last. my cousin and i where visiting our opa and he was telling us stories about himself in which i was deeply enthralled. my cousin leaned over and commented dryly "i am about to fall asleep. is this all old people do?"......

and i see things differently

chapter two: after having heard about it for months, i finally read "the alchemist". i was reading the part where the boy has to turn himself into wind. and he goes through all the things of the world first and they cannot help him until eventually he turns to God and miracles are done through him.....

and i see things differently

chapter three: this morning when i woke up, it was raining. the sky was a deep gray, and drizzle was sliding down the window. someone i was talking to called it "an ugly day for staying inside". i went for a walk to see for myself.
it is most beautiful when it rains. the world is beautiful always....

and i see things differently

ridiculous

in front of dia is the oddest sculpture i have ever seen. it is a royal blue stallion, reared on its back legs. it must be at least fifteen or twenty feet tall. if you have the privelege of driving by it at night, as i did, you will also experience its intensely glowing fiery red eyes.
apparently the artist was killed while he made it. i guess it fell on top of him or something. the bronco now serves as a kind of memorial to him. you ever wonder how people would remember you if you died? hopefully not as the person who creates outrageously questionable "art".

streetlights

the biting wind came in great gusts. i think it was trying to knock me down. i don't mind. snow flakes kissed the pavement and landed on my tongue and cheeks. the sky was lowering. it was seven o'clock. i cannot think of one better way for this day to end.

universal

hello, my name is abby mcmillen, queen of everything. thank you for understanding my need to talk only of myself.

it is spring time, which also means it is track and field time. ever thought about what a silly sport it is? just keep running around in circles until you puke, that sounds like fun. eight is way too many times to go around a track. but me, being the brilliant thinker that i am, do it anyway. consistently too. whoever decided it was a good idea to have 2 meets in one week was on something.

grey

do you remember
the fog. the black suitcase. the view from the bus window
the way reflections could tell
in the half light
the terrifically haunting way
love appeared
when we were young

shatter

the noise grows louder and louder, bearing down on my little house. shaking all the glass almost out of the panes. look up. why is it that i was think of WWII whenever a plane passes over? its just an airplane. no ones gonna get bombed, i promise.

escape

dear mind:
i have noticed that you seem quite muddled as of late. i am doing my best to fix this...
today i put up my umbrella and flew away on the wind. just like mary poppins

love/ hate

in. out. in. out.
think of nothing.
robotic.
methodic.
the rhythm runs through the wires, into my ears and is translated to movement.
just don't stop. just don't stop.
you know nothing but to run. that is all you know.
it is nothing romantic.
it is nothing poetic.
it is much more cruel than that.
it is just breathing.
just moving.

deafening

i'm learning more and more how powerful silence is
i'm learning how unnaturally it comes to me

charles

every morning, everyday of the last seven months i have driven to the bus stop, stepped on to the "big yellow", which more closely resembles a WWII tank than anything else. made around the same time too, i should think. i take my seat in the 5th row and greet my middle aged moustachioed driver, "chuck", and he always says the same thing: "another day, eh abby?" i never was quite sure what that meant.
i had felt like me and chuck were on pretty good terms; i know more about him than any one person would think. he is a potbellied, graying vegetarian with a weakness for anime and meditation. he also has the single most intense pair of eyebrows that you will ever see.
all this to say, i know chuck, and i thought he knew me. well enough, anyway. that is, until, last week sometime, when i stepped off the bus with a "thanks, chuck" and he replied with a "have a good day, jackie". sure. "jackie". it has been jackie ever since.
i have nothing against the name jackie. i know quite a few delightful young ladies by that name.
but chuck, i thought we understood each other. was it something i said? please let me know how i may remedy this as soon as humanly possible. if you're looking for me, i'm at home having an identity crisis.

swept away

hey. hey you. you with your fancy words and fancy clothes and huge mansion house. you're not impressing anyone. you're not fooling anyone.
i am waiting. i am waiting. i am waiting still. for anyone, for anything. look behind you, see where you've been? its only in your head. its only then you feel alone. why do You always leave me wanting? not more. not more. just the same. not the presence, the absence.

n/a

running alongside the highway with melissa and found what looked like a novel had exploded. there were papers everywhere for at least a quarter of a mile. i picked up one of the sheets and tried to read it to mel and run at the same time, which is not as easy as it sounds. the only word i remember is applicable. that is non- applicable. apply yourself, abby. at this school, we learn applicable skills for life. life skills. skills we can apply. don't be so distracted. when applied, you can accomplish great things, abby. that information is non- applicable.

ugh. what a stupid word.

farenheit

today while i was walking, i found a blank puzzle piece. those are the best kind i think. then you can put it anywhere you like and it will still work.

minus me. plus you.

i wish it would rain
the sky would lose all composure
and let the rain tumble out
with thunder
and lightning.
then i would tiptoe outside
so as not to disturb the audience of stars
dancing behind the clouds
and sit under my lightpost
and take it in.
i love it when nature shows off for me.

if home is where the heart is, i'm a stranger here

this was supposed to be the future
yet i seem to remember all this
look up at the sky
just take a look


dear hannah: say hello to my tree for me. i am missing him. i am missing you.

don't forget to blink

"i'm confused," said the girl. "why are you putting me through this? i know you could get me out and i don't understand why you are making me suffer..."

"little girl," replied the wind, "why do you not trust me? when have i ever failed you?"

"but sir, you do not understand. i'm scared and alone and i need to know you are with me..."

"dear child," cried the wind, so as to make himself clear, "you need not worry. you need not be afraid. i have always been here. i will always be here. look me in the eye- trust me, everything will turn out right. what you are going through can only make you stronger. i am making you stronger."

"i trust you." said the girl, closed her eyes and let the wind play with her hair.

aurora

this music fills something missing inside of me and brings sunshine into my life. if music can make you weak in the knees, then this will.
so, you should check these kids out. they're pretty much amazing:

http://www.myspace.com/theaurorasite

i'm sorry this is how it turned out. i just thought you should know. i didn't mean it to be like this. i'll make it better, i promise.

so today, me and megan were talking about science for some reason. probably cuz we're cool. anyway. we both looked at each and said "you remember bill nye the science guy?" at the SAME EXACT TIME. it was sooooo cool. i swear, we are telepathic. or something.

when it rains
in this part of town
it really does pour
rain tumbles down

golden

i think of myself as a very unpredictable person. even if that isn't true, it's kinda how i view myself. like one of those volcanoes that if you poke it, it explodes. for some reason, that image really appeals to me.

at sixth grade graduation, our teachers came up with one word to describe how they viewed us in a nutshell. i'm pretty sure that my sister's adjective was enigmatic. or apithetic. or something along those lines. anyway. i went up there hoping for something powerful like "gung ho" or something. i walked up there, recieved my diploma, and heard the words "abigail mcmillen. loyal." i ended up with loyal. now, i have no problems with loyalty; "but really", i remember thinking, "is that all they got for me? loyal?" that always reminds me of golden retrievers for some reason.
at lunch today, a bunch of my friends were talking about people and i was too. i admit it. i caught myself laughing along with them about kids who weren't there. who were my friends. our friends, actually. and i thought, "is this what happens when i leave? as soon as i'm gone, do they start talking about me?" this was the moment when i realized that being called loyal, truly loyal, is one of the most precious complements you or anyone else could ever have. and i got up from the table and left.

static

spinnning in circles
just stare at the ceiling and spin
collide with yourself
don't ever make up your mind
shatter your conceptions
look what a mess you've made now,
all these broken dreams all over the carpet
gosh abby, clean up after yourself
maybe then things will be clear in your head
you see, life has made me a bit dizzy
and i'm ready to leave
and start over. somewhere new
where things aren't always up in the air
and we play it by ear
and talk about people other than ourselves

juno

i just drank an entire galloon of milk. out of the jug. i know i spelled gallon wrong, but i like it that way better. galloon. mmmm... i love skim.....
i saw the movie juno today. it was super good. and megan's real cool. love that girl.

up down up down up down.
it'd be real nice if you'd just pick a side.
thanks. we all appreciate it.

i'ma gonna go to goodwill now. and by some neon clothing. for neon night. represent

peculiar

waiting for my paint to dry. i'm sitting in my laundry basket next to the stereo. and it's cranked up real loud so i can sing and no one gets offended. i'm excited and i don't know what for. and i love that feeling. hugs all round.

ready for take off

c'est l'élévation
c'est exhileration
les trois étoiles me regardant attentivement en bas
inondez le ciel avec la brillance
c'est le romance
c'est la guerre

green means go

this was long overdue. time to get out of your comfort zone. time to learn to love people. time feel something. anything. this is one of those perfect adventures that come along right when need them to.

huge, ominous clouds all day today. one of those glorious days where the sun shines right on through anyway. as predicted, lightning. and snow. it gave me chills to watch...

imperial

is there no peace?
is there no decency?
keep on serenading my thoughts with your slander
and take this as a glimpse of what's to come
shatter this
destroy this
act like you don't even know me

do whatever you want
because honestly, i don't care anymore

quotable

dear patty:
my favorite part about brit lit today was definetly when you read us your gerund phrase story. "my mom has raised me since birth. she makes me breakfast every morning, everyday." oh. and that part when mrs. hobbs was trying to think of a sentence with jog in it and we were both like "JOG YOUR FACE OFF!" why does no one else appreciate our unique senses of humor?

evening

the wind is screaming outside my window. past trees and buildings and people and streetlights. and even though i'm safe inside i can feel it pass right through me. and right now i want nothing more than to run outside and feel it rush through my hair. so i'm going to

ambivalent

i hate making decisions. i'm so awful at it and inevitably i make the wrong one. that's why one of my favorite responses to anything is "i don't care". i do care. but now the pressure is on you and not me. how underhanded does that make me seem?


remember that game we used to play in elementary school with the parachute? i think it was called shark attack. that was the best game ever invented.


oh, you know what else about decision making? i'm also a control freak. figure that one out. i want constant control over everything, but i don't want it to seem that way? i have no idea... i'm such a messed up kid.


wanna know one of the coolest things ever? the aurora borealis. i had a dream about it last night. only it was in my backyard. yeah, i bet you're jealous now

mmmmm.... i'm hungry.

you might as well be standing still

when you're in the middle of something, it makes you feel as if you are going nowhere. today, i had the oppurtunity to take a step back and really see how far God has taken me, and it was astounding. why is it then that i feel like i'm still standing at the starting line? everyone else left a couple hours ago, abby. you better get going. i'm tired of being on the treadmill. i want to run on the pavement and feel something real beneath my feet and breath something real into my lungs.

the sky was startlingly blue today. and completely cloudless. why is it that stillness always invokes chaos in my mind? i predict a lightning storm.

fantasy land

how disconnected am i? how distant am i? how distracted am i? a whole lot, that's how much.

you remember when you were a kid and you would spend hours pretending all kinds of stuff? you would put on costumes and draw moustaches on your friends' faces in permenant marker and use your moms high heels and put lipstick everwhere on your face except your lips. i loved playing make believe, and it seems that i never grew out of it. my 'close' friend's might as well be nothing but aquaintances. they don't even know me. because i don't let them.

you know what i wish? i wish that i had someone who i could tell absolutely everything and who would let me burst out in tears and would go to the park and swing on the swings with me and take me out to coffee and fly kites and look at the clouds and watch chick flicks and visit hali and talk about God and knew my heart inside and out. so much for not pretending....

me and brittany got lost downtown and almost got car jacked. it was super sketch

second floor

i sat in the empty building in the dark in a strange town. i sat on the stairsteps and swung my legs. i don't think there's any feeling like being completely and utterly alone, especially when its in an unfamiliar place. the glass panels that surrounded me projected my reflection from every angle. and i sat and watched my legs swing. everyones gone. i'm the only thing that's left. but i'm not frightened. "look up little girl. you will see that there is wonder all around you."

complacency

it seems that everything i make crumbles no matter how much effort i put into it. more often than not its completely my fault. this time, however, i can't seem to figure it out. but don't worry- i'll still love you. as long as you're happy, dear.

hmmm. i wonder how many times you have start over to get anything accomplished. i am the record holder in the 2 inch olympics. they call me the champion of mediocrity.

thursdays

i ran outside without my umbrella
the thunder laughed at me
i turned my face skyward and laughed right back
and twirled in the rain
we are the very best of friends

sidenote

you know, seemingly little things can turn out to be so much bigger than you could ever imagine. this weekend i traveled to a far away place and came back with a fresh outlook on life. not entirely because of the speaker. not entirely because of the worship. not entirely because i really needed to get away. just the simple stuff:
watching the sun wake up.
cool conversations with people i love dearly.
bonding with kids i have nothing in common with.
witnessing God work at his best. it was amazing to watch. truly amazing.

observe

people are so cool. honestly. today, i was in a tight spot and this kid i don't even know totally saved my butt. thanks, isaac. i owe you one

all of my qualities
are now the former

pause

stop.
stop.
don't think that.
don't say that.
don't feel that.
have some composure for once.
be selfless for once.
it's nice to experience something brand new.

ethereal

kendra turns 21 on thursday, but we had a celebration for her today. never in my life have i seen 12 girls go through so much pizza in so little time. little bit entertaining to watch, not gonna lie. witnessing these gorgeous young women lose all composure when our waitress brought out the pineapple and canadian bacon was just about all i could handle. it's just pizza, right? i've never really liked pizza.

anticipation plays such a huge role in life- it's half the fun just to think about it. like when you're really hot and you say "you know what sounds good right now? jamba juice." and everyone arounds makes longing noises and agrees that right now, there is nothing on God's green earth that they would like more. but if you actually get one, its good for a while and then its gone. along with the excitement.

life on earth is just anticipation of something else: something beautiful, something fulfilling, something perfect. only this time, the satisfaction isn't temporary. the excitement never fades. jesus is the ultimate adrenaline rush.

head in the clouds

when did it become ok for me not to think for myself?
when did it become ok for me not to love my friends with everything i have no matter how they treat me?
that's right. not ever.

oh yeah

found out today that i got accepted to go to peru for missions this summer with kayanne and sophie and matt and brittany and eric. and i got a red balloon. can you think of anything better? i couldn't either...

valediction

the hands creep lazily around the numbered face
time is practically standing still
anticipation always makes bad things just a little bit worse

dear

she was a fighter
she was a winner
her favorite color was pink
she loved tennis
she played catch phrase
she sang in the choir
she made up songs under the stars
she bought underwear from thriftstores because she thought it was funny
she made her own icecream
she listened to natalie grant
she went to california to see audio adrenaline
she was brave
she was genuine
she liked disney land
she made impressions on everyone she met
she liked popcorn
she was an actress
she loved my fair lady
she was determined
she was gorgeous
she talked about god
she was my friend
and i miss so much that i think my heart might just stop
when i think about her
i've never cried so much in one day
i've never felt so cheated
i've never been angrier
i've never wanted to throw up in church before today
i've never hugged so many strangers
i've never wanted to scream so bad
i've never felt so mute
i've never seen anything so beautiful
i've never seen anything so disturbing
i've never wanted to flip off a pastor so badly before
i've never realized how much i take everyone around me for granted
and i've never regreted it so much

the pink balloons floating away were the prettiest things i've ever seen. what an amazingly beautiful day.

hali ashlan theander
july 30 1992- january 3 2008

blank

snow again. so incredible. sitting in chemistry, watching the flakes flutter to the ground and dreaming of another place. mrs. macgregors' english accent is perfect background music. that woman makes empirical formulas sound like lullabies.

am i doing something worthwhile? illuminated by ideas; its a shame i can't put them into words...

if i were an ostrich, this all would be WAY easier

wow. wow abby. how're you gonna get out of this one? excuse me, but if you don't mind me cutting in.
today, i learned something brand new. and i love it like a child.
something's happening the day after tomorrow that i'm not really looking forward to. you know, things would be a lot less complex if you could just decide who the heck you wanted to be. i'll get right on that. thanks, that'd be great. also, make up your mind, people!

hmm. today was pretty good. except that one part

mute

i'll find a way to speak the words i want to say
and then my thought balloon will float away

flat tires

today i road my brothers bicycle to chester portsmith and layed on my back and watched my kite flirt with the clouds with cigarettes and chocolate milk playing in my ears. rufus, melt my heart. it was a good day.

planitarium

i can't go to sleep tonight. but that's never really been a bad thing for me. i like to lie in the dark and stare at the glowing plastic stars me and my sister glued to the ceiling when i was in kindergarten. i miss her. i am awful at drawing stars.

quiet drive

i am legend is officially the worst movie EVER. granted, i only saw about half of it- the rest i was cowering under my seat with about 3 quarts of old popcorn as my only comforter. i was so afraid for will smith through the entire thing, and in the end he dies anyway (sorry if i ruined that for you). i couldn't even enjoy the nice parts because i was too paranoid. thinking about it later, i realized that is exactly how i choose to live:
terrified of the unknown and what might happen, i miss what's going on right now. it reminds me of being on a roadtrip where instead of always going full speed, you have to pull over once in a while to just take everything in and stare.

for: hali

it is moments like this
that i use as a reminder of my frailty
how this world is utter chaos
and how too often i forget how powerless i truly am